Top 5 Douchiest Costumes You’ll See Tonight.
By: Pepe Billete
In other cities across the nation, halloween is about ghosts, witches and candy. Like with most things, here in Miami nos cagamos en eso because we realize que eso es cosa de chamacos, gordos frustrados y pajosos. Aqui el “tree-ko-tree” se celebra con las tetas al aire y la puteria a lo full. For a woman living in the 305, dressing up for halloween doesn’t really take much thought or creativity. As long as you’re under the age of 60 and weigh less than a smart car, you could go out in a neon colored Valsan thong and nipple tassels and still win the costume contest at work.
Unfortunately, that same level of leniency isn’t extended to the men of our city. Si eres un macho en Miami, and you insist on dressing up for halloween, you should really think hard about what you’re going to be seen in public dressed as, otherwise, the only love you’re likely to get at the end of the night is from manuela y sus cinco hermanas.
Not all women in this city are privy to this information though. There are some that still haven’t realized what a guy’s halloween costume says about their personality. So, because your Tio Pepe doesn’t want you going out looking like el comepinga del barrio, I compiled a list of the douchiest costumes you’ll likely see men wearing tonight and what it really says about who they are.
5. Straight guys in drag
What guys dressed like this think: Dressing in drag for halloween is ok because my manliness will permeate through the facade of homoerotisim it projects and elicit humor, because lord knows that no one in their right mind could ever think I’m gay.
What everyone else thinks: Ese tipo esta en el close.
What to expect during sex: Depending on your sexual comfort level, hooking up with a guy dressed in drag can either be a pretty kinky experience or more awkward than catching a whiff of your own peste a bollo during noche buena dinner at your boyfriend’s parent’s house. You should definitely expect some weird shit to transpire, especially when you consider the fact, that for that night at least, you’re basically fucking the equivalent of a shemale on section 8. I mean let’s face it, hormone injections and teta surgery are expensive and not all transexuals have el billete to look convincing. Don’t be surprised si el tipo tira un “YOLO” and starts sucking off your dildo under the guise that he’s still “in character” and just trying to be “funny.”
Chances of your favorite lipstick getting stolen: 67%
4. 300 spartan
What guys dressed like this think: Bro, like, these hoes are gonna jump on this dick when they see these abs, bro.
What everyone else thinks: ño, tremendo ref.
What to expect during sex: Naturally maintaining ridiculous abs like the ones seen on the actors in the movie 300, takes a combination of psychotic dedication and genetic superiority that is not commonly found in the average man. However, this doesn’t mean they’re unattainable. Ask any sapingo in a gym in Hialeah and they’ll tell you that all you have to do is go on tremendo “winny” binge and reduce your diet to eating like a 14 year old girl with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and you’ll be tremendo papi pompiado in no time. The problem is that most guys that actually put this technique into practice are either 1. Too obsessed with the way they look to other guys to give a shit about you (regardless of their sexual orientation) or 2. Compensating for the fact that he was born con la pinga de un Chino. In either case, taking this muerto home means your night is going to end a lot faster than the time its going to take to wash the lechaso stain and humiliation off your 600 thread count “Target” sheets.
Chances of catching chlamydia: 51%
3. “Sexy” Indian Warrior
What guys dressed like this think: “Ma nigga, that Spartan shit is played the fuck out. I picked out this indian shit because I’m original. The hoes are gonna jump on this dick when they see my abs in this war paint.”
What everyone else thinks: El Colombiano ese se parece al indio de Apocalypto.
What to expect during sex: Most of the same shit that’s true for the Spartan also applies to the sapingo indio costume pero the one discernible difference between the two is the fact that the Spartan is a bit more dedicated to his character, than the guy who’s dressed in a plastic head dress and faux leather loincloth.
Chances of getting roofied: 74%
2. The Joker
What guys dressed like this think: This authentic movie replica Joker costume was well worth the $800 I paid for it. Only a dedicated fan would go to these lengths to look as genuine as this. Plus, I’ve watched The Dark Knight over 300 times and perfected my joker impression to the point that when I put my professional grade hollywood special fx make up on, people might actually think I’m Heath Ledger reincarnate!
What everyone else thinks: That nigga has never seen a vagina in person.
What to expect during sex: Gathering information for this one estaba dificir con cojones. There are so few cases of comepingas like this ever getting laid in general that finding una jeva that was willing to admit to the experience, let alone describe it in detail was next to impossible. Pero once again, your Tio Pepe came through! The good news is that no matter what the fuck you look like, to him, you’re the hottest thing that’s ever walked the face of the Earth. Expect a lot of heaving petting, culo worship and atrocious (but abundant) oral sex. The bad news is, cuando se te quite la nota the next day, you may actually consider suicide to avoid having to deal with anyone ever finding out you fucked the register guy at the reptile store your little brother bought his pet iguana from.
Chances of his mom walking in on you getting fucked: 88.3%
#1. Pepe Billete
What guys dressed like this think: Pepe is the shit, bro. Playa, Perico y Puta! AHHHHHH!!!!
What everyone else thinks: Oh fuck! Pepe is the shit, bro. Playa, Perico y Puta! AHHHHHH!!!!
What to expect during sex: Un abrazo y un pingaso.
Chances of a sneaky deo en el Culo: 100%
Follow our friend who is the funniest nigga we know: @PepeBillete