Source: David Cabrera

Pusha T @ Grand Central
Source: David Cabrera

Happy New Years!!

source: david cabrera’s photoblog

Merchandise, Teepee, Lil Daggers, and the Band in Heaven, presented by Ad Hoc and Self-Titled Magazine

In other cities across the nation, halloween is about ghosts, witches and candy. Like with most things, here in Miami nos cagamos en eso because we realize que eso es cosa de chamacos, gordos frustrados y pajosos. Aqui el “tree-ko-tree” se celebra con las tetas al aire y la puteria a lo full. For a woman living in the 305, dressing up for halloween doesn’t really take much thought or creativity. As long as you’re under the age of 60 and weigh less than a smart car, you could go out in a neon colored Valsan thong and nipple tassels and still win the costume contest at work.

Unfortunately, that same level of leniency isn’t extended to the men of our city. Si eres un macho en Miami, and you insist on dressing up for halloween, you should really think hard about what you’re going to be seen in public dressed as, otherwise, the only love you’re likely to get at the end of the night is from manuela y sus cinco hermanas.

Not all women in this city are privy to this information though. There are some that still haven’t realized what a guy’s halloween costume says about their personality. So, because your Tio Pepe doesn’t want you going out looking like el comepinga del barrio, I compiled a list of the douchiest costumes you’ll likely see men wearing tonight and what it really says about who they are.

5. Straight guys in drag

What guys dressed like this think: Dressing in drag for halloween is ok because my manliness will permeate through the facade of homoerotisim it projects and elicit humor, because lord knows that no one in their right mind could ever think I’m gay.

What everyone else thinks: Ese tipo esta en el close.

What to expect during sex: Depending on your sexual comfort level, hooking up with a guy dressed in drag can either be a pretty kinky experience or more awkward than catching a whiff of your own peste a bollo during noche buena dinner at your boyfriend’s parent’s house. You should definitely expect some weird shit to transpire, especially when you consider the fact, that for that night at least, you’re basically fucking the equivalent of a shemale on section 8. I mean let’s face it, hormone injections and teta surgery are expensive and not all transexuals have el billete to look convincing. Don’t be surprised si el tipo tira un “YOLO” and starts sucking off your dildo under the guise that he’s still “in character” and just trying to be “funny.”

Chances of your favorite lipstick getting stolen: 67%

4. 300 spartan

What guys dressed like this think: Bro, like, these hoes are gonna jump on this dick when they see these abs, bro.

What everyone else thinks: ño, tremendo ref.

What to expect during sex: Naturally maintaining ridiculous abs like the ones seen on the actors in the movie 300, takes a combination of psychotic dedication and genetic superiority that is not commonly found in the average man. However, this doesn’t mean they’re unattainable. Ask any sapingo in a gym in Hialeah and they’ll tell you that all you have to do is go on tremendo “winny” binge and reduce your diet to eating like a 14 year old girl with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and you’ll be tremendo papi pompiado in no time. The problem is that most guys that actually put this technique into practice are either 1. Too obsessed with the way they look to other guys to give a shit about you (regardless of their sexual orientation) or 2. Compensating for the fact that he was born con la pinga de un Chino. In either case, taking this muerto home means your night is going to end a lot faster than the time its going to take to wash the lechaso stain and humiliation off your 600 thread count “Target” sheets.

Chances of catching chlamydia: 51%

3. “Sexy” Indian Warrior

What guys dressed like this think: “Ma nigga, that Spartan shit is played the fuck out. I picked out this indian shit because I’m original. The hoes are gonna jump on this dick when they see my abs in this war paint.”

What everyone else thinks: El Colombiano ese se parece al indio de Apocalypto.

What to expect during sex: Most of the same shit that’s true for the Spartan also applies to the sapingo indio costume pero the one discernible difference between the two is the fact that the Spartan is a bit more dedicated to his character, than the guy who’s dressed in a plastic head dress and faux leather loincloth.

Chances of getting roofied: 74%

2. The Joker

What guys dressed like this think: This authentic movie replica Joker costume was well worth the $800 I paid for it. Only a dedicated fan would go to these lengths to look as genuine as this. Plus, I’ve watched The Dark Knight over 300 times and perfected my joker impression to the point that when I put my professional grade hollywood special fx make up on, people might actually think I’m Heath Ledger reincarnate!

What everyone else thinks: That nigga has never seen a vagina in person.

What to expect during sex: Gathering information for this one estaba dificir con cojones. There are so few cases of comepingas like this ever getting laid in general that finding una jeva that was willing to admit to the experience, let alone describe it in detail was next to impossible. Pero once again, your Tio Pepe came through! The good news is that no matter what the fuck you look like, to him, you’re the hottest thing that’s ever walked the face of the Earth. Expect a lot of heaving petting, culo worship and atrocious (but abundant) oral sex. The bad news is, cuando se te quite la nota the next day, you may actually consider suicide to avoid having to deal with anyone ever finding out you fucked the register guy at the reptile store your little brother bought his pet iguana from.

Chances of his mom walking in on you getting fucked: 88.3%

#1. Pepe Billete

What guys dressed like this think: Pepe is the shit, bro. Playa, Perico y Puta! AHHHHHH!!!!

What everyone else thinks: Oh fuck! Pepe is the shit, bro. Playa, Perico y Puta! AHHHHHH!!!!

What to expect during sex: Un abrazo y un pingaso.

Chances of a sneaky deo en el Culo: 100%

Follow our friend who is the funniest nigga we know: @PepeBillete

Tonight! KETCHY SHUBY is back in Miami!! Blackbird Ordinary , No Cover!

The Craft Brewjas, a local community organization that promotes awareness of craft and artisanal beers, is partnering with a Miami Beach restaurant for a series of Oktoberfest events.

If you see me ask me for a Dead Fix shirt and it’s yours!

The ladies will be holding court at Yardbird Southern Table & Bar, 1600 Lenox Ave., to celebrate a “mutual appreciation for craft and artisanal beer” according to the group’s press releases.

The next events:

Guess the Brew! 6-6:30 p.m. Friday, Oct. 12. Four eight-ounce pours from Miami-based Gravity Brewbar, where guests will try to determine the style of beer they are drinking in a blind taste test. The event will begin promptly at 6 p.m. and Yardbird will be capping the event at 30 people. Guests are encouraged to RSVP to guarantee a seat. This event is $15 per person and the winner gets a prize.

Oktoberfest Brewja Dinner: 7 p.m. Friday, Oct. 19.

A four-course meal paired with seasonal beers. The event is by reservation only and is $65 per person (tax and gratuity not included).

Craft Brewjas Southern Social: 4-7 p.m. Friday Oct. 26, happy hour with 50 percent off all beers on tap.

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/10/12/3047099/oktoberfest-on-south-beach-yardbird.html#storylink=cpy

The spot on Wednesdays, Downtown Miami

Miami Mayhem Presents Slap & Tickle from Miami Mayhem on Vimeo.

Saturday, June 30th
8pm

1100 N Miami Ave
Miami, FL 33136

Join us at the grand opening celebration for the Magic City Bicycle Collective, a brand new community workspace which will provide affordable prices on used bicycles and parts, maintenance classes, repair services, and educational workshops. Their mission is to strengthen community bonds and encourage locals to adopt bicycling as a viable form of alternative transportation. Arrive on bike & bring your friends for free beer, music, bike films, baked goods, and freestyle bike demos. Please remember to drink responsibly. The Magic City Bicycle Collective is located across the street from The Corner.

If you have any unwanted bicycles, parts and/or tools feel free to donate the items to the collective by bringing them to the grand opening. Please come and show your support!

RSVP on Facebook.

Follow the Magic City Bike Collective on Twitter.

Tropical Trashing Thursdays!!!!

Join the Magic City Bicycle Collective for the Graffiti by Bike Tour, Saturday June 16th. We’ll be riding through Wynwood showing and talking about some of the amazing street art, murals and graffiti that made Wynwood and Miami what it is today.

The $5. Suggested Donation gets you a raffle ticket for various prizes and goes to the Magic City Bicycle Collective. A non-profit, community driven and volunteer operated bicycle workshop.

www.MagicCityBike.com

Coachella 2013

This Saturday EVERY ONE MUST GO AND START A RIOT!!!!

A-Trak @ LIV last Wednesday…more here.

OH MIAMI! NOW WE’VE DONE IT!!

WE PROUDLY BRING TO YOU OUR FIRST EVER LIFTED WMC EDITION!!
WE ARE PRETTY FUCKING EXCITED AT WHAT WE’VE DONE FOR YOU! CHECK IT OUT FREE w/ RSVP…

Culminating with the 27th Annual Winter Music Conference, LIFTED brings you an event worthy of this great time in MIAMI!

TUESDAY MARCH 20TH 2012. LIFTED (WMC EDITION) @ BLACKBIRD ORDINARY PRESENTS…

Special guest DJ’S…

- J.PERIOD (Nyc)
- ROXY COTTONTAIL (Nyc)
- Le SPAM (Mia)
- SAN GABRIEL (Berlin)
- WALSHY FIRE (Mia)
- HOLLYWOOD HOLT (Chi)
- CAMP GABY (Nyc)
- FLY GUY (Mia)
- MIKE DEUCE (Mia)
- LOUIE ARSON (Mia)
- MARTINA McFLYY (Atl)

AND OF COURSE ALSO WITH RESIDENT KILLERS..
DJ ELLE & KEEN ONE

AND HOSTED BY SOARSE SPOKEN & LADY J

WITH VERY SPECIAL GUEST HOST…
MONIE LOVE!!!

WE ALSO WANT TO EXTEND A WARM WELCOME TO SIR JUAN HERRERA MAKING HIS WAY BACK TO THE 3-0-5!

GIVEAWAYS FROM…

- DEADFIX
- MIDTOWN SMOKESHOP
- DADE WEAR

DRINK SPECIALS ALL NIGHT
GOOD TUNES
FREE POOL
FREE PING PONG
FRESH FOLKS

FREE WITH RSVP!!!
rsvpmelifted@gmail.com

DOORS @ 10PM // 21+

Blackbird Ordinary • 729 SW 1st Ave Miami FL 33130 • http://blackbirdordinary.com/

CATCH Them ON TWITTER FOR MORE INFO…

https://twitter.com/#!/liftedmiami

Nightdrive’s anniversary party this Wednesday… no cover bro.

Come through and see the Fam ! ! !

TUESDAY JAN.31st // GRAND CENTRAL // THEOPHILUS LONDON // STEVEN A. CLARK // SHARPSOUND